


Trailer Park Bros

by Variabels



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship, Swearing, a lot of inside jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24793111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Variabels/pseuds/Variabels
Summary: Due to Master Hand's horrible financial strategies, everyone's money is gone. The whole cast must move from the Smash Mansion into a trailer park. Some adapt with no problem, but everyone's favorite prince, Marth, is naturally not among them. Will living a "normal" life prove to be too challenging for him? Yes. Will his friends be of any use? Of course not.
Relationships: Ike (Fire Emblem)/Link (Legend of Zelda), Marth/Roy (Fire Emblem)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. The Move

**Author's Note:**

> So, like everyone has their smash mansion or apartment or city or HQ or whatever. But, do they have a smash trailer park? I don't think so.

It was all gone. Years worth of savings were gone. It was 2008 all over again, also known as the worst year in Marth's life. But instead of only the Melee fighters suffering, everyone was going to suffer.

The main hall of the Smash Mansion was filled with chaos. Everyone was freaking out about all their money being gone. How were the hands going to explain everything?

"We need you all to calm down," Master Hand told everyone only to be ignored, "Everything is under control."

"Why's all our money gone?" Kirby yelled, "I'm telling Sakurai about this!"

"There's no need to-"

"Are we going to be homeless?" Peach cried, "I don't want to be a hobo!"

"Listen, none of you will be homeless. But you will have to pack your bags. Take only clothes and essential stuff."

* * *

Marth was about to burst into tears. He couldn't decide what to pack into his suitcase. He knew he was going to have to ditch his armor if he wanted space. That wasn't that much of a problem, it gave him a chance to wear his casual clothes he rarely got to wear. But being a rich prince, he naturally owned too many clothes.

"Hey, Roy, can I pack some of my clothes in your suitcase?" Marth asked only to be met with a death glare.

"No, I barely have enough space for my own stuff!"

Marth sighed in defeat. He didn't have time to pick a fight much to his dismay. He needed to make sure to bring at least one thing he cared about. But as he tried to put his most precious possession that wasn't already on his head in the suitcase, he noticed it was too big.

"R-Roy, is your suitcase big enough for a CRT TV?"

Roy wanted to yell at his best friend, but the latter appeared to be genuinely upset about the possibility of having to part with his TV.

"Look… If you take your TV as hand luggage, I'll let you put some of your stuff in my backpack and suitcase."

Roy quickly came to regret what he had just said. His backpack was killing his back and he could barely get his suitcase to close. But there was no more time left.

Once everyone had gathered at the mansion's entrance hall, the hands made everyone get into a bus while making sure everyone was respecting the luggage guidelines.

"Peach, you can only take one hand luggage," Master Hand ordered as he forced Peach to do her bags all over again, "Next- Oh, dear God. Marth, you're not seriously taking your TV with, are you? It's one-"

"I'm well aware," Marth replied, "As you can clearly see, my TV _is_ my hand luggage."

"Falco, find a way to put all my shit in your bag." Fox handed the bird his backpack before rushing back towards his room to get his CRT TV.

If he had eyes, Master Hand would have rolled them. But he didn't, so all the fighters remained unaware of his frustration.

* * *

The bus ride felt like it had taken a million years. Everyone was happy to finally get off and be able to stretch their legs if they had any. But the happiness was short lived as the fighters realized where they were.

"Are we moving to a fucking trailer park?" Falco snapped at the hands, "You incompetent fucks want us to live in RVs?"

"Think of this more as a vacation," Master Hand tried to plea, "It's only temporary while we try to get our money back."

"Oh, my fucking God. I wish you had kicked me out after Melee."

"Now listen… We've arranged everything for you to make this an enjoyable experience."

"I will now proceed to explain the living arrangements," Crazy Hand spoke up, "Let's see… I will hand you papers with all the details. Hope you have a nice stay."

Marth glanced at the paper he had received and noticed it said his roommates would be Ike and Roy. This was a relief as it meant the prince didn't need to adjust his sleep schedule.

"Hey, Marth, are you done reading the instructions?" Roy asked as he walked towards his best friend, "Wanna go look for our RV?"

"You haven't even read them yet."

"Ugh, fine. I'll read them to you." Roy grabbed the paper out of Marth's hands. "Welcome to your new life in a trailer park. You're stuck with Ike and Roy as roommates. I drew a picture of you three on the door so you can find it. I left the rest of the instructions in the RV. Somewhere. Forgot where."

"Do you have the keys?"

"No, I guess Ike has them."

Naturally, Ike didn't have the keys and instead of asking the hands to give them the keys, the trio decided to break into their own RV. The RV appeared to be in a decent condition and had surprisingly enough space for three guys.

"Wow, we have our own kitchen," Roy said as he opened cupboards that were thankfully equipped with kitchenware, "Shame none of us know how to cook."

"Alright, I found a spot for my TV." Marth placed his TV on a TV cabinet before looking around. "Looks like someone's going to have to sleep on that tiny couch."

"Guys, we even have a hot tub!" Ike smiled as he looked at the beautiful hot tub that was taking up space that could have had something more useful, "This doesn't seem that bad."

As they went further into the RV, the excitement quickly disappeared. The bathroom was tiny and the shower looked practically broken, not to mention it smelled awful.

"I knew I should have packed some air freshener," Marth complained.

"I'm sure everything will smell better if we open a window." Roy tried opening a window only to break it. "Um… Ike, do you mind cleaning- Hey, where's Ike?"

The two swordsmen returned towards the entrance where they saw Ike unpacking his stuff. He insisted he get the tiny couch that turned out to be a folded bed. It looked uncomfortable but he appeared to be content with it.

"I bet he thought the main bedroom would be awful after seeing the bathroom," Marth smirked, "What an idiot."

"Yeah, I bet it's got nice comfortable beds."

All Ike did was laugh as his roommates left to check out the main bedroom. He almost died when he heard their screams of horror. It was nice being the one laughing for once.

* * *

By the time the trio was done unpacking, it was dinner time. Master Hand had organized a barbecue for everyone. The problem was that Crazy Hand had drawn the map and it was impossible to read. To make matters even worse, Marth wanted to hold the map and he had no sense of direction.

"Let's go that way!" Marth pointed towards his left.

"I think we should just throw the map away and have Ike smell the way," Roy suggested.

"And how am I supposed to smell the way back?" Ike replied.

"Hey, I think we're here!"

"What took you three so long?" Link asked, "Your caravan is right in front."

"That's it! We're never letting Marth hold a map ever again."

The Fire Emblem trio headed towards the Mario brothers who were busy with the barbecue. To avoid having the entire trailer park on fire, the Italians were the ones responsible for grilling all the meat.

Marth took the plate Mario handed him and stared at it with disgust. He had received a piece of meat that had way too much fat. There was no way he was eating it.

"I am not eating this trash!" Marth threw his plate into the nearest trashcan in a fit of rage before walking towards the Mario brothers. "You two are going to make me something that's acceptable for royalty like me."

"I'm-a sorry," Luigi told the prince, "But you three were-a the last ones-a here. We didn't-a have much-a-"

"Hey, Luigi, this steak's raw," Roy complained.

"Roy, it's-a medium-"

"So, uneatable. I don't trust it. Do you mind burning it so I'm sure it's well done?"

"That's not-a how that-a dish is supposed to be-a eaten and we just-a turned off-"

"Hey, do you have more meat?" Ike asked as he pushed his two roommates out of the way.

"Mamma mia!" Mario yelled, "No more-a food here! Go eat-a dessert!"

* * *

The three roommates had found a way to eat dinner the way they wanted to before heading back to their caravan. Luckily, this time Marth wasn't leading the way so they didn't spend half an hour wasting their time who knows where.

Marth and Roy both felt like taking a shower but they didn't want to go to the disgusting bathroom. So, they forced Ike to clean it with his purple stuff, the greatest cleaning product of all time he had had the misfortune of inventing.

"It was really nice of them to give us extra ice cream," Roy said as he closed the freezer, "Don't you think?"

"No, it's like they're trying to get me fat. But I suppose it will help you deal with your depression and… That's pretty nice."

"Jeez, you don't need to say it that way. It's just the two of us here. Come on, let's play some Melee to cheer you up."

"Thanks..."

"Guys, I'm done cleaning," Ike interrupted.

"We didn't even get to play Melee! Oh, well… I'll go take my shower, Roy you should set up everything."

As Marth left, Roy tried figuring out where to plug the CRT TV and the GameCube. It turned out to be a task that took a minute and our boy quickly found himself bored with nothing to do. Sure, he could read one of the books he had brought but Roy liked reading in bed and didn't want to make his bed dirty.

"Ike, I'm bored," Roy complained as he sat down next to his roommate, "What are you reading?"

"The hot tub's instruction manual," Ike replied before giving it to Roy, "You're a nerd, really smart and bored, why don't you figure it out for me?"

"Alright." Roy glanced at the manual before an evil smile made it's way to his face and he rushed towards the kitchen. "This is awesome! I'm totally going to prank Marth. He'll be so pissed!"

"Do you get off to anything that isn't pissing off Marth?"

"What did you say, Ike?" Roy asked as he turned on the coldest water, "You think this isn't going to piss off Marth? Just you wait and see. Three… Two… One…"

"God fucking damn it!" Marth screamed, "Who the fuck turned on the cold water? I am going to fucking kill you!"

Roy laughed while Ike worried about the caravan's safety. There was an extremely high chance the caravan wasn't designed to be fireproof and Ike didn't want to find that out the hard way.

"So, uh… Which side do you want, Marth?"

"I'll take the left."

"Okay."

The two got into the queen-sized bed they had the misfortune of sharing and stayed as far as possible from each other. Neither of them had ever shared a bed with someone else but they knew they didn't like it at all.

"Goodnight, Roy."

"Goodnight."

The next few minutes were peaceful but soon a problem arose. Marth could hear Roy's breathing loud and clear, too loud and clear for his liking. It was as though Roy was only a few centimeters away.

Marth turned around and noticed he and Roy were both in the middle of the bed invading each other's territory.

"Roy, you're in my territory!"

"What? Wait, no! You're in my territory. You're clearly in my half of the bed!"

"I'm not!"

Marth pushed Roy only for Roy to push him harder. It didn't take long before the two started yelling and making so much noise that they woke Ike up. At first, Ike didn't really care but the yelling was getting more annoying with every passing second.

"Do you two have to fight at-" Ike shouted as he slammed the door open before freezing in shock, "Oh… I apologize for interrupting."

"What are you talking about?" Roy asked as he got off Marth, "You never apologize for interrupting us."

"Forget it."

"Um, if you say so."

"Thanks a lot, Roy," Marth whined as he rolled back to his side of the bed, "Now my back hurts and I can barely feel my legs. You're so heavy. You should go on a diet."

"Or maybe you should eat more and gain some muscle. Work out too! Your stamina is terrible."

Ike rushed out of the room feeling deeply embarrassed. He never knew what was up with those two and he didn't want to take any risks. Oh, well… He wasn't going to let two hopeless idiots get in the way of him and his precious sleep.

Marth and Roy didn't say a word to each other after Ike left. They returned towards their respective sides of the bed in the hopes of being able to leave the realm of the awake and journey into the land of dreams.

But Marth couldn't fall asleep, he felt far too awkward. He was sure Roy was already fast asleep and he was worrying for nothing. But terrible thoughts wouldn't stop rushing into his head and as he was lost in thought, the prince noticed the blanket was gone. That son of a bitch had taken it all for himself!

"Hey, Roy, that's _our_ blanket, not yours," Marth whispered.

"Mind rolling me like a taco?"

"No! Give me my half back!"

"But I'm cold. You're never cold anyway and I'm not accepting body heat as a solution."

"You… Ugh… Give me your pillow and I'll let you keep the blanket."

"What? No, way!"

"Give me- Thanks."

"Whatever… Just stay out of my side of the bed."

* * *

Marth opened his eyes. He looked outside of the window, it was still dark but the prince could see some lights coming from the other caravans. Guess, he wasn't the only one who had woken up in the middle of the night.

"Marth…" Roy muttered.

"What is it, Roy?"

"What does it feel like? You're low tier now."

"Can you save this conversation for the mor-"

"You look so small from up here."

Marth almost burst out laughing as he realized what was going on. Despite having spent so many years as Roy's roommate, he had never heard him talk in his sleep. Marth quickly grabbed his iPhone to record his best friend, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and he wasn't letting it go to waste.

"Did I ever tell you I paid Mario to put extra sugar and fat in all your food so you would gain some weight?" Roy muttered in his sleep.

"Wait, what?"

"I heard Master Hand say he's happy you're trash and depressed."

"Hey, Roy… Can you wake up, please?"

"I dropped your iPhone once while looking for blackmail."

Marth dropped his iPhone in shock at his best friend's revelation, it luckily landed on the bed. Marth froze for a few seconds before picking up his phone and looking at it to see if it had any damage. What he saw shocked him to his core.

"Roy!" Marth shook his new biggest enemy as he held back tears. "You fucking shitty cock sucking son of a bitch, wake up!"

"Did you just call my mom a bitch!?" Roy suddenly woke up scaring Marth and making him fall off the bed. "Oh, sorry about that." Roy helped his friend back up. "I was having this funny dream and then some guy suddenly called my mom a bitch."

"Guys, there's a fire outside!" Ike slammed the door open.

Marth and Roy looked at each other and then at Ike before deciding they'd rather sleep than deal with a fire. Ike naturally wasn't amused by their stupidity and left the two. If they ended up on fire, he wasn't taking any of the blame.

* * *

Marth opened his eyes. He looked outside of the window, he could clearly see the flames outside but he wasn't afraid of a stupid fire. He was about to go back to sleep before he noticed Roy was also awake. He didn't say anything until he felt something on his leg.

"Roy, what's sliding against my leg?" Marth lifted the blanket afraid to look.

"Cock…"

"Um… Roy, I… Uh, what?"

"Roach."

"Oh, thank go- A roach!? How am I supposed to sleep now? I am not sleeping in a bed that has been touched by cockroaches. Who knows how many there are?"

Roy should have known Marth would react that way. He was sure Altea didn't have bug spray but Marth could barely remember anything from his life before Smash. Roy couldn't do much to relieve the prince.

"Look, it's either you sleep here next to me or you sleep on the roof."

"But it's cold- Oh, I know. Can't I just sleep on top of you? That way I won't sleep on top of the mattress that the cockroaches have stepped on!"

"Did you just ask to sleep on top of me?"

"…"

"Fuck this, I'll be on the roof."

A few minutes later, the two roommates found themselves on the RV's roof. The smell of smoke in the air didn't bother them since they were used to smelling it. It actually made the roof cozier since it reminded the two of their old room that was on fire half the time.

"You know, this isn't so bad." Marth smiled as he looked at his best friend, "It's cozy here, don't you think? The only problem is that it's so hard."

"That's what she said."

"I hate you sometimes."

"Love you too."

Marth couldn't think of a witty response, so he just rolled his eyes. Marth and Roy decided not to talk anymore, they were too tired and really needed their sleep. The two ignored all the screams in the background as they quickly drifted back towards the realm of dreams.

* * *

Marth opened his eyes before quickly shutting them. The light was too harsh and he was much too comfortable. The bed felt nice and warm. Wait, why was he back in the bed? Maybe him going to the roof was just a dream.

Marth didn't bother thinking more about it. He was really comfortable, he felt like he was being hugged. He really didn't want to move but he sadly remembered he had many things to do.

"Good mor-" Marth opened his eyes before screaming at the sight of Roy being the one hugging him.

"Do you have to be so loud in the morn- W-what the fuck!? I-I… It's not what you think."

"Not what I think? I wake up to see you like this and that's all you can say? You're dis-"

"You drooled all over my shirt! If anything, you're the disgusting one!"

"I-I did what? Ugh, nevermind. Just go have fun in the shower and get that drool off. We'll talk about this later."

Marth pushed Roy towards the bathroom only for the two of them to run into Ike. Ike was surprised at the sight of his two roommates.

"If I knew you two would end up like this, I would have left you on the roof," Ike told the pair, "And I definitely wouldn't have positioned you two like I did."

"Wait, so you're the reason Roy was hugging me?" Marth asked.

"Doesn't change the fact that you drooled all over my shirt," Roy snapped.

"Oh, but you're so innocent when you wake up hap-"

"I bet tomorrow you're going to be the one-"

Ike really hated the two sometimes. He already had to deal with them being loud back in the mansion, but now they were being loud in an RV that had terrible sound isolation thus attracting many curious fighters towards the RV.

"Oh, wow, I didn't know they felt that way towards each other," Chrom said, "I thought they were best friends."

"I wanna see them fight to the death!" Toon Link shouted, "I bet they're full of hatred towards each other."

"I wanna see them fuck," Link added with too much enthusiasm, "That will put Ike in way better moods when we go out on- to hangout."

"Can all of you fuck off?" Ike shouted as he exited the RV, "You can stay if you want to Link."

"I've got some stuff to do. See you later."

"My name is Link too!" Toon Link pointed at himself.

"Fuck off!" Ike picked up Toon Link and threw him, secretly hoping the kid would land in a trash can. "Don't fucking come back!"

Ike went back into the RV to find that his two roommates had finally calmed down. He sighed in relief as he made his way towards the fridge. He didn't want to deal with the two on an empty stomach. But he was soon met with disaster as he opened the fridge.

"We've got no food!" Ike yelled.

The three men stood in silence. One of them was going to have to go grocery shopping. None of them knew anything about shopping for food. No matter who was tasked with the task that would be easy for normal people which they sadly weren't, they were screwed.


	2. Marth's first time (grocery shopping)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marth goes grocery shopping, suffers a lot and half the trip is a parody of Mang0 and Zain's skits from The Octagon. Meanwhile, Ike and Roy starve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 2 months! Would have been way less if I actually wrote chapters in order.

"Ike's the best at cleaning, so he should clean the RV," Roy told his two roommates, "I have to set up the hot tub. Marth, that leaves you as the only one who can go grocery shopping."

"Okay, give me your credit card," Marth ordered only to be met with a stare of disapproval.

"Marth, we're broke. The hands are only giving us 50 to 100 bucks a week to buy groceries and let me remind you that none of us here have a job to get some extra cash. You're also a Math genius, so you won't find yourself short on cash."

"But I've never been grocery shopping before! Have Ike do it instead, he knows about commoner's food way more than I do."

"And have him eat all the food on his way back, no thanks. Take this and go."

Marth groaned before being handed some money by his best friend. He put on his boots, grabbed his precious iPhone and stomped his way out of the RV.

It took Marth an hour to reach the store. He had gotten lost multiple times and the service was absolute dog shit making his phone's map useless.

Marth was about to make his epic entrance but feelings of fear he had never felt before rushed to his head. He wasn't used to meeting new people without one of his friends being with him. How the Hell was he supposed to talk to the workers?

The prince took a deep breath. If peasants could do this every day, he could easily do it too. He entered the shop and looked for the rare item called a shopping cart.

Once he spotted multiple carts, he rushed towards them to grab one. But it wouldn't budge. The prince pulled as hard as he could but it refused to come all the way out.

"You need to put a coin in it," Link told Marth as he walked up to him with a cart full of shopping bags, "I'm done with mine, so I can give it to you."

"You're never nice to me. You must have an ulterior motive."

"I just want Ike to have food and not come running to me because you and Roy are idiots."

"What? But Ike's the idiot, Roy's almost one percent as smart as me."

"Never said Ike wasn't an idiot. Have fun shopping."

Link took his shopping bags out of the cart and walked out of the shop leaving Marth's to fend for himself. The store wasn't dangerous to normal sane people but Marth was neither normal nor sane. The shop would prove to be a huge challenge for the young prince of Altea.

Getting the shopping cart to move the way he wanted it to was already proving to be a challenge. Marth had never understood why leg day was unpopular, arm day was way worse in his opinion. Although, skipping it turned out to be a bad idea. If he could barely control the empty cart, what would happen once the cart was full?

Having barely made his way into the fruit and vegetable section, Marth took out his phone to see the list Roy had sent him. Cherries, strawberries, tomatoes, red apples... Why only red fruit?

Marth couldn't stop thinking about the color red even as he went to get the plastic bags for the fruit. He pulled as hard as he could on the bags but he couldn't get them to separate from the roll of bags. And now his hands were red.

"Need some help?" Pit said as he walked up to Marth with a cart full of junk. "Your hands look like shit. Red shit."

"Of course, I don't," the prince replied, "Why would I, Melee God and prince Marth Lowell of Altea, need assistance from you?"

"I'll give you two bucks if you let me help."

Pit took out two notes. Marth's mouth almost started salivating as he saw the fifty on the notes. If he accepted the money, he'd be able to afford better quality products. Or he could buy things for himself. There was no way he could say no.

Five minutes passed and Marth had finished getting all the fruit and vegetables he needed along with a hundred bucks. Maybe shopping wasn't so bad after all.

Marth's opinion quickly changed as he struggled to choose what meat to buy. He had texted Ike and Roy to ask for input but neither could agree on what they wanted. While he waited for the two to reach an agreement, Marth looked for ham, but alas, he was too short to reach the ham he was supposed to buy and too shy to ask for help.

All hope seemed lost until he spotted turkey ham. Marth thought it looked visually more appealing than pork ham so he grabbed it unaware that he had made an amazing decision for himself.

* * *

"I'm starving," Ike complained to Roy, "I'm gonna go eat at Link's place."

"And leave me here to starve alone?"

"You were the one who decided Marth should do the shopping."

"Look, I'm sorry for having faith in him. It's just... Yeah, no, I don't really have an excuse."

Roy reflected on his actions while Ike phoned Link. It didn't take long for Ike to learn that Marth had rejected Link's help and that Link hadn't bought any food for him.

* * *

Marth was still stuck in the meat section. Ike and Roy weren't texting back, what a bunch of dicks. Marth stared at all the meat before focusing on the sausage sections. Roy wanted him to make pasta so he could use some sausages. But Marth didn't know which to choose.

"I wish Roy was here," the prince said out loud as he stared forlornly at the sausages.

"Marth, what the fuck?" Falco who happened to be passing by asked.

"What what the fuck?"

"What the fuck is going on in your head?"

Falco mockingly patted Marth on the head six times. Marth didn't know why the bird had to tap him six times. Was it Morse code? Wait, no! Marth could recognize it. It was Zain code.

"Did you just call me a hen heart?" The prince glared at the bird.

Falco took a step back. "Uh, a what?"

"A hen heart! You're calling me a coward! But if anything, you're the coward. You can't even be bothered to call me a coward to my face!"

"Um, what? Uh, you're crazy?"

"Crazy? Oh, please. I don't spend half my day passed out because of beer. Your beer belly is going to be bigger than my grab range in Melee."

"Well, you're... stomachless?"

The prince rolled his eyes and grabbed a packet of sausages before walking away to continue his shopping trip. He'd come back later for the meat.

Next on his list was dairy products. Marth looked at the yogurt section with disgust. It reminded him of breakfast. He knew breakfast was a scam so he'd always skip it but his two roommates were stuck in their old ways.

Marth was about to grab the cheapest ones he could find before a terrifying thought popped into his head. What if they forced him to eat breakfast? Should he pick yogurt he'd like just in case?

Marth glanced at the yogurts before spotting some cherry yogurt on sale. The sight of it made a small smile appear on his face.

The smile quickly disappeared as Marth realized he would have to buy butter and all of the options available contained fat. Marth really hated his life sometimes.

* * *

Marth wasn't the only person suffering. His roommates were sitting on the couch as their stomachs begged for food.

"I think I'm going to die," Ike told Roy, "We should go to the store ourselves."

"Marth has all the money."

"I should have put you two in a more awkward position."

"Um, anyway... Didn't you mention there being a fire?"

"Yes, the other Roy was responsible for it. Apparently, he's a big fan of yours."

* * *

Marth was overwhelmed by the wide variety of cheese. Roy hadn't specified which type to buy. The prince sent his friend a message and decided to skip the cheese for the time being. Hopefully, he'd soon know which type to buy. He still didn't know which meat he was supposed to get.

Marth grabbed the cheapest milk and cream he could buy before heading towards the bread section. The fresh bread's smell made almost made the prince drool. But he easily resisted the hunger, he didn't do breakfast after all.

Spotting a nice baguette, Marth grabbed it and put it in the shopping cart. As he continued examining the available bread, he couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching him.

"If it isn't little princess Martha."

Marth turned around to spot Falco who would have had a huge smirk on his face if he had lips instead of a beak. "Don't call me that."

"Maybe if your face wasn't so clean. People would stop thinking you're a girl. Or can you not grow facial hair? Now that I think of it, I've never seen a hair on your arms or legs either."

"W-well, I-I don't want to have a beard like my dad and body hair is ugly anyways! So, I do really intensive shaving. You're covered in feathers, you're the stupidest looking Melee god!"

"Well, if you place so much importance in appearances, maybe you should reflect that. Look at your hands, they're soft as fuck. It's like you've never held a controller in your life. Do you even grind?"

"M-my hands are soft because I use moisturizer!"

Marth stormed out of the bread section into the energy drinks section. Falco hadn't followed him which reassured him. He didn't feel like being seen.

_He's such a dick... If Roy hadn't made me go here, this would have never happened. He's worse than Falco. I hate him sometimes! Why the fuck does his favorite energy drink need to be the one right in front of me?_

* * *

"You know, maybe we should go look for Marth," Roy suggested, "He's taking way too long. I think he might have gotten himself into trouble. I'm worried."

"Just call him."

"What if he doesn't reply? God, I'm so stupid. I should have gone with him. Marth's probably too scared to ask anyone for help. He's all alone... W-what have I done? He's going to hate me if he gets back. I-I have to go save him!" Roy tried getting up only to fall back onto the couch. "Fuck, I'm too hungry."

Marth still hadn't gotten a reply from either of his roommates. He didn't think it mattered much at this point, all Marth had to look for at the moment was rice, but it turned out more than one type of rice existed.

Marth looked at all the rice packages. Should he just take the cheapest one? Was there a difference between basmati and jasmine rice?

Marth's helplessness hadn't gone unnoticed as a store clerk approached him. The prince froze, how was he supposed to talk to "normal" commoners? He didn't have anyone with him to save his ass if he said something the commoners couldn't understand.

"Miss, are you having trouble deciding what to buy?" the clerk asked him.

"Uh... I'm..."

"Hey, do you know which one of them pastas is macaroni?" Pit interrupted, "I can't read the labels, so I don't know which to buy."

Marth sighed in relief as the clerk left to help Pit. He turned his gaze back to where the cheap rice was but something threw him off. A blue feather...

"Are peasants really that scary ?" Falco mocked, "You didn't even snap at being called miss."

"I've had enough of you!" Marth snapped, "You're always a dick to me! Don't think I didn't notice that time you purposely lost to Pikachu so that he'd destroy me and send me to losers!"

"I seriously didn't think he'd be your equivalent to Fox's Roy..."

"Sure, I'll believe you. What about all the times you told Roy where I hid my hairbrush so that he could set it on fire?"

"Hey, it's Peach's fault, she told me all your favorite hiding spots."

"Well, there's no excuse for that time you went drinking with Peach and admitted Puff was cool. Fucking Puff! You didn't even invite me."

"I was drunk! Also, weren't you like fifteen?"

"Even worse! I was sixteen, there was no excuse for not inviting me! And uh, can we move this conversation to the pasta section?"

After Falco and Marth took the rice they needed, they both pushed their carts towards where Pit was. The little angel had filled his cart with packages of spaghetti which confused Marth but he quickly remembered how low the angel's IQ was.

The two rivals took the pasta they needed and continued their conversation. They had inadvertently caught a lot of shoppers' attention. Pit was recording the entire scene for his YouTube channel which was currently his only source of revenue.

"Falco, don't you remember the promise we made at the end of Melee? I was depressed because Roy left and you were sad you lost to Puff in the final tournament. We were there for each other at our absolute worst. While we were crying, a kitten found us and we named it Project Slippi. We took care of it but when Brawl started it vanished. We vowed to always get along to honor its disappearance... But we broke that promise. I found Project Slippi yesterday and told it how we didn't get along anymore. It cried, the tears wouldn't stop. I'm not asking you to be my friend, but think of Project Slippi! It will die if things remain the way they are!"

"Lol, what?"

"That's bullshit!" an old man in the crowd shouted.

"Yeah, well, I'm still mad at you!" Marth told Falco, "It's just... I feel like we never hang out anymore even though we're supposed to be friends."

"Marth, it costs money to hang out in cool places and I've barely gotten paid since Melee ended. You don't know how to drive so we can't go to the cheap places either."

"Can't you just fly me there?"

"I can't afford a plane. But I guess playing Melee doesn't cost anything. Hey, why don't you come over to play this afternoon?"

* * *

"So, while everything was on fire, you and Marth were sleep talking to each other," Ike explained to Roy, "Wait, no, you two were arguing in your sleep."

"What? I don't sleep in my talk! I bet Pichu used his psychic powers to brainwash me."

"So, then everyone thought you two were the ones who started the fire because you two always set everything on fire when you fight."

"No, we don't."

"Most of the time you do, but since you two were asleep everyone put the blame on me! So, I dragged you two back into the RV and placed you in a compromising position. I probably should have seen it coming, but I honestly didn't expect you to wake up with-"

"Oh, hey, I've got a lot of notifications." Roy picked up his phone to avoid the conversation. His expression quickly changed to one of horror. "Marth's taking forever because he doesn't know what to buy. He's been sending texts this entire time and we didn't reply. Why did we both leave our phones on silent?"

"Mine's not on silent, I just blocked Marth."

"But he's never texted you."

"Exactly, it needs to stay that way. Link made the mistake of not blocking him and now Marth rants to him every day about you."

Roy rolled his eyes before calling his best friend. Marth was justifiably angry and no apologies could calm him down. It took Roy five minutes of yelling to get the prince to shut up so he could tell him what to buy.

* * *

What cheese was he supposed to get again? Marth wasn't sure. If it was up to him, he would have gotten the most expensive one to be safe. But alas, he was on a tight budget.

Why did he have to be the one shopping? He didn't know anything about buying food in a store. He didn't even know what half the things on his list looked like. He was royalty, he should have servants do the shopping for him. What kind of sick joke had his life become?

The prince put a few cheap cheeses in the cart before heading towards the long line of people waiting to pay. He could have gone to the self-checkout but Marth was a prince and he had embarrassed himself enough for the day.

If he had to summarize his checkout experience, he would say he wished he was Melee Marth again. It took Marth way too much time to put everything he had bought inside bags. If he was his younger self, he could have easily grabbed everything to shove it into the bag.

After what had felt like an eternity, Marth was done. He pushed his cart full of bags out of the store before realizing he had a huge problem. How was he supposed to get everything back to the trailer park? He couldn't afford to pay a taxi unless he wanted to say goodbye to the money he had gotten from Pit.

However, luck was on his side. Marth spotted Falco walking towards what appeared to be his RV. The prince approached the bird. But he didn't want to pathetically ask for a ride so he tried making up a shitty lie. Falco easily saw through it and decided to just let the prince in to shut him up.

The RV's layout was similar to the prince's, Fox had placed his CRT TV in the same spot Marth had. But instead of a hot tub, there was a weird machine. Marth wanted to touch it but as he got closer, the terrible smell made him gag.

"Hey, Wolf, wake up!" Falco yelled at the wolf that was sleeping on the tiny couch bed, "Marth's gonna be hanging out here for a while, so you gotta drive."

Wolf was pretty pissed but he knew that if he didn't do as he was told, he would have to deal with a Melee speech that would wake up Fox who would join in on the speech and he had no desire to see what Marth would do. Dealing with two Melee elitists every day was enough, he didn't need a speech collaboration featuring Marth.

"Don't think I'm going to let you ride for free," Falco told Marth, "Money match me for a hundred?"

"For how much? Eh, doesn't matter, I'll win anyway. If I win, you also have to carry my bags back to my RV."

"Deal but only if we ban FD."

"Oh, come on! If I lose it's because I'm using Fox's controller and we're on the road."

"No Johns."

* * *

"Why do I have to carry everything?" Falco complained as he struggled to walk while carrying Marth's bags.

"Because I'm the best at Melee." Marth smirked before unlocking his RV's door. "Hey, guys! I'm back and I've got a present."

"Food..." two weak voices replied.

"Not even a hello? Whatever, Falco, just throw the food on them."

Falco threw the bags on top of Ike and Roy who were lying on the floor like starved zombies before storming off. Marth looked at his roommates with a mix of confusion and amusement.

"Hey, Roy, guess who just won us two hun-"

"Marth, I don't care, just feed me anything!"

"If you can ask me to feed you, you can go get fruit by yourself."

"Go fuck yourself!"

While the Marth and Roy argue with each other, Ike looked through all the food hoping to find some meat. It was all raw and Ike didn't have the energy to make it himself. So, he called the only person he was friends with who could cook.

"Link, I'm starving, Marth bought food, so can you come make something for me?"

"Fine, you're lucky I love- Are Marth and Roy fighting again?."

"Yes, I wish they didn't have to be so loud... So how much do I have to pay you?"

"It's weird if you of all people pay me..."

"Link's making us food for free!" Roy overheard the conversation and got too excited. "We're saved! We're not going to starve to death!"

"But I'm not hungry," Marth said before having his head slammed against the table.

"Shut up, just shut up. And uh... Sorry about that, I'll uh... I'll let you have the blanket and pillow to yourself tonight."

Link ended up just making sandwiches for the three roommates. Marth wanted to complain that his sandwich was slightly bigger than the others' but the three death glares directed at him kept him quiet. Oh, well... It wasn't as though his day could get any worse, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I've been working on like 7 chapters for this fic at the same time. I've got chapters I won't be able to publish for ages smh.
> 
> If you wanna chat, want some advice for fics, share your fics or just wanna shitpost, you can join the Super Smash Prose discord server with the following code: gDK48ua
> 
> Next chapter, Marth continues his suffering by doing something royalty shouldn't be doing: cooking. F Marth's cooking virginity :(
> 
> See you guys next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> This fic is literally just a bunch of inside jokes. I originally wanted to make the bed-sharing scene as horrifying as possible, but Rae happened. The more time I spend on this, the gayer it becomes... This fic is a fucking shitpost.
> 
> If you wanna chat, share fics, get advice or get in on the jokes in this fic, you can join the super smash prose server with the code: gDK48ua
> 
> Anyways, next time, Marth must do something he never imagined he'd ever do. He goes shopping, not for iPhones, but for food. And I guess we learn what happened during the fire at night. :O
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


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